You ever have one of those days where something so unexpected happens you are just saying to yourself “where the fuck did that come from”… Well a few nights ago that was me.

It all began with a few leisurely drinks at my mates house to celebrate his birthday. I didn’t want to get too pissy because I had to drive home, so I only drunk 2 or 3 more than I probably should have. I said my good-byes got in the car with my girlfriend and started driving. All was going fine until I was about one house from my own.

To set the scene I live along a country dirt road and houses are spaced about half a kilometer a part at the least. I was just cruising along when suddenly I nearly fly straight into the side of this car. Luckily I wasn’t speeding so I pulled up pretty casually as I couldn’t go around the bloke as he was sideways in the middle of the road. On first look I couldn’t even see anyone in the car, the car was off, no one was in the drivers seat and the window was down. I left my lights on because it was so dark out that night that if I had turned them off I couldn’t see shit. I walked up to the car and had a look inside. There was a guy in the passenger seat facing away from me… I said “Hey mate, you right?”, he got startled and turned around. This guy was scary ass looking. He had later what I would find out to be a glass eye and the one that was good didn’t look too much better. He could hardly look straight at me and didn’t make a reply… I asked him again “Hey mate, are you ok? What are you doing?”, This time he replied and told me “I’m waiting for my wife”… I said “ohhhhh”… “Well is she anywhere around here?”, he said she would be back in a minute. Meanwhile I’m having a look around wondering what the fuck to do. Has this dudes wife just fallen off the side of the road? (which is at least 100m drop) or is he just that out of it he doesn’t know what is what… At this point everything felt sketchy as fuck, like something out of a movie where people get jacked. I know this shit is mega unlikely to happen on my road but you never know around here so I decided to go back to my car to find something I could use as a weapon incase something was about to go down… Just as I turned around another car boxed my car in… I was thinking, righto, this is it, time to loose it and go ape shit on someone… Fortunately though it was just another guy like me and after talking to him it appeared as though he had been in the exact same situation as me. He said he had pulled up because this guy was blocking the road and tried to ask him what he was up to, but this guy said he got scared as fuck with the glass eye guy (which I can understand) got back in his car and bailed… However he did tell me that when he pulled up the guy was moving from the drivers to the passengers seat, which made me think he was probably out here alone.

Now armed with another person to help and with more knowledge about the situation I didn’t feel so bad about trying to go sort it out. I went back to the car and asked the guy again what he was doing and that he should move his car out of the middle of the road because it is dangerous and no-one can get past… He replied “I’m not moving anywhere, I’m in my driveway”… Me and my new mate looked at each other, although it was probably the funniest thing I had heard all year neither of us laughed, in-fact nether of us even cracked a smile. I replied with “ummm I’m affraid your not, where do you live?”, he told me he lives in Wollongbar, so I told him that he is probably about 15mins from his driveway now and he needs to get off the road. This guy didn’t really know what was going on, it was apparent that he was either severely mentally ill or had taken some heavy heavy medication, or some mixture of both…
Me and my new helper had a bit of a conversation and decided we needed to move this guys car, which was pretty sketchy in itself. My mate got in the car and drove it just up the road a bit out of the way while I followed. I got back out and went to the car while my new friend also got his own car out of the way.

When he came back we had a bit of a conversation and both of considered bailing, as we had both been drinking and didn’t really want to hang around this creepy guy or wait to fill out some stupid police paperwork. But after a bit more thought we decided we better stick around and sort this guy out because there was a good chance he might die from whatever shit he had taken or, kill himself doing something stupid…

We went back to the car and I asked the guy if there was anyone we could call to come pick him up, he didn’t really respond with anything logical and kind of told us he was fine and his wife was coming to get him. I knew he was just talking total shit and tried a while longer to get some details out of him. Then all of a sudden his phone started ringing… It rang out a few times and I said “You should answer your phone man”… he told me “I don’t have a phone”… This scenario went on (now quite comically) for a while until finally he produced and Iphone from his ass pocket somewhere. Now he had a new problem, he couldn’t actually do the swipe thing required to answer his phone. It rang out a few more times until I grabbed the phone off him and swiped it myself. I could hear the person on the other end say “Hi, where are you!”, the glass eye guy replied with some super un-comprehensible dribble that to me sounded something like “Ohhh don’t worry I’m just out at Janes pruning some trees”… Yeah fucking right he was! hahaha. I grabbed the phone off him and said “ahhh, hi, this is Alex, your mate is in a bit of trouble right now and someone needs to come and pick him up”. The lady on the other end told me she already knew that and that she had already called the Police and the Ambulance! She asked where I was and told me she would ring them back and get them to come… Now we played the waiting game.

Both of us (me and my new helper friend) wanted to bail, for one because we had been drinking and the cops would soon be here and secondly because we had been out here about an hr and a half now trying to sort out this mess and we were cold as fuck! But… we both knew this dude wouldn’t survive on his own and stuck around to make sure he stayed alive. He was drifting in and out of consciousness and saying the most random shit you have ever heard. He bashed on the radio super hard one time to try and get it to work, so I turned it on for him. We made conversation with him to keep him awake. Basically we just talked total smack and he replied with total smack. After a while he did what we feared and got out of the car… Stumbling around like he was it wouldn’t take much to topple off the cliff near by and cause some serious damage to himself, if not death. We upped our talking skills and kind of cornered him on the bonnet of his car. I started talking about his car and asked him where he bought it. He said he bought it in Sydney. I told him it was a sick buy and that Peugeots were a cool car… he said he had a Subaru… hahaha! Me and old mate were laughing so hard at this point we couldn’t stop for about a minute… Anyway, this type of rabble went on a while until the police turned up and weren’t much better at dealing with the situation than us. We waited a while longer (because now all our cars were boxed in thanks to the cops) and soon the Ambo’s turned up.

They asked what he had taken and he said he had taken 6 valium tabs to stop him from killing himself… They took one look at him and said that there was no way he had only had 6 and that it was more likely he had something like a bottle mixed with other stuff including the empty bottle of wine in his car!

Anyway, they took him away and both the Police the Ambos and his Family thanked us for helping this guy. At this point we were just glad it was over and that old mate hadn’t died on us! We both looked at each other and said, “see you here tomorrow night then”, and then bailed hahaha.

True story.

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